manic

its emptiness that i feel tonight, and its keeping me awake.
i can't remember what it feels like.
i can't remember the last time i was honestly in bliss.
i can't remember the last time i felt happy strolling in the park with someone. if memory serves me right it could be almost a decade ago when everything was so innocent and careless then. but still it was wrong to begin with.
i died with each ending. and maybe this time around i was buried even deeper because things are so real and burdensome with age.
after the first, nothing else was ever real. it was all make believe.
why is it so hard to be truely happy (not relationship happy but rather, a life relishing in bliss)? troubles seem to be never-ending. hope seems to be fading by the hour these days.
it's not only about filling the void we feel inside, the connection, the ability to be able to see the person eye to eye and not only when there's a screen in between. i was wrong then, i'm sorry.

mary, i'm so tired too. i'm tired of being burdened with the inability to forgive, the depression, the hatred, the love, the obsession that has no returns and the crying.

kat's off to bangkok in a few hours with jam. i'm gonna miss you, dear. have a safe trip.



i miss you, where the hell are you?
goodnight.